End of an Era

After a five years hiatus of travel, adventure, living life, daydreaming, and a failed attempt at filmmaking, it's time to reflect on why I failed at the filmmaking and contemplating returning to the real world. Let's see where do I start? Why did I fail at filmmaking?

Mainly because, I never found a group of filmmakers, whom I could collaborate. Instead, I sat at home daydreaming about becoming a filmmaker rather than actually making films. Well, actually I did assist other people with their films, but I never had the guts to make my own film. Plus, I never found a mentor. At Cornell and at Farmer Mac, I had mentors. They helped me succeed.

At film conferences, I'd listen to filmmakers speak; filmmakers whom I recognized as independent producers and/or directors. Some were fairly well know in the independent film world, with one or two fairly impressive films under their belt. However, myth is often more powerful than reality. In person they were a bit, blah. I was never impressed. Most of these filmmakers were living on their laurels of one mediocre or successful film, unable to duplicate the successes.

I've also come to realize that much of filmmaking is luck. Oprah describes luck as "being prepared when the opportunity presents it's self." Well, maybe "luck" never happened, or there's always the possibility I have no talent. Yup, that is a possibility.

I did write some screenplays. But for the most part the reactions to the screenplays were blah. Then again, most people who read and critiqued them have written many "screenplays", but have never had a screenplay produced into a film, although they believe they are screenwriters. Are they screenwriters? Does one have to have a screenplay produced into a film to become a bonafide screenwriter? If you can't write a screenplay that someone wants to produce, how can you critique others? I don't know.

Another thing I hated was the criticism. I know screenplays are supposed to be read and people like to criticize. But really? Can't everyone just like what I write? Okay, yes, being an artist is about having "someone" criticize your work. But why? Who are "they" to criticize? Why does everybody have to be a critic? It's not fair.

My desire is for everybody to like my screenplays and the forthysia to bloom all year round. Yes, I know it doesn't work that way, but why? Why not?

Another huge problem is that I don't ingratiate myself with "important" people: people who count. At conferences, or even on film sets, I don't smooze. The film business is all about smoozing. I know this, but I can't do it.

Also, I'm not really desperate for money. A huge motivating force in this business is money, but by not needing it to pay the bills, I never pushed myself with a financial goals in mind. I did push myself to write, but mostly for myself, not for money. But what I have realized, to make money in the film industry, one has to write for the masses, not independent thinkers. That is not me.

Plus, I may attitude towards a film career might have been a bit arrogant. I never really had any formal training, yet I wanted to be a screenwriter and filmmaker, at least in theory, but possibly not in reality. Or maybe, I wasn't arrogant enough. I don't know.

And there's always the age thing. I'm no spring kitten anymore, even though I'd like to think I am.

Maybe film was never for me, who knows. Maybe I'm really not the artist type. But hey I gave it a try.

Ciao.