December 09, 2012

The Inner Monologue of Many a Minority

  • white person: did you see this thing that happened?
  • elie: yeah, that’s racist.
  • white person: whaaaa???!!!!
  • elie (inside): jesus freaking christ.
  • elie (outside): yeah, it’s pretty obvious.
  • white person: well, how do you know? can you prove it? what’s your evidence?
  • elie (inside): who in the f**k elected your translucent ass to be president of whether or not i think something is racist? why don’t you go back to telling me how some white woman who has an ass as flat as a desktop but gets fat injections in her lips is the epitome of beauty?
  • elie (outside): i really don’t have time to explain how 400 years of cultural stereotypes, oppression, and unequal opportunities led, inexorably, to this moment.
  • white person: try me, i’m pretty smart.
  • elie (inside): actually you’re incredibly stupid, but what bothers me is that you are being willfully ignorant of the racial implications here because it might make you uncomfortable and have to (gasp) examine your own motives. you don’t see it because you are closing your eyes, and then you have the gall to stand there and ask me to show you something? i need to end this conversation before things get out of hand.
  • elie (outside): look, in my opinion this is racist, we’ll have to agree to disagree.
  • white person: i just don’t think it’s right to play the “race card” when you can’t actually back it up.
  • elie (inside): no. playing the race card would involve murdering you where you stand and then saying, “sorry officer, this dumb white person needed to be ended, and i was just too black to resist.”
  • elie (outside): go f*** yourself.

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