Starting to Have Second Thoughts

Do I give up the dream or not? That is the question. I feel like I'm spinning wheels, so I got out the old resume and dusted it off. It's not a great time to be looking for job, but I kind of miss having a steady jog (just a little). I especially miss playing with the data and statistical elements. When working on my dissertation, I spend hours and hours playing with SAS - a statistical computer program - evaluating data, and loved it. It was like my playstation. I was psyched every time I could find new parameters to improve my model's fit. But that was back in 1996, data was very limited then. Today everybody has data to analyze, especially web data.

As for the screenplays, well they are starting to bore me. One of them, "Growing Up Catholic" made it the Top 100 (or 5%) at Slamdance , and a reader from the contest contacted me. He suggested I sent it to a contact of his, who is interest in the subject matter I wrote about. But other than that, I don't really know what to do with them. And to be honest, I'm really not thrilled about sending them out blindly to producers. Mostly, because I hate the rejection. I realize not everybody is going to like everything, but when they say no thanks, it still feels like a rejection. I guess most artist have to deal with rejection on a daily basis. Hence, maybe it's more fitting for me to find a job, and write part-time. I'm starting to feel extremely reclusive in my home. Plus, I'm wasting an extreme amount of time surfing/reading the web, instead of writing. Another element that I don't particularly care about the film industry is the self-promotion. It takes a certain type of person to do it and I don't think I'm that type of person. Moreover, the independent film industry is in a bit of a flux right now. Everybody is spending more and more time on the web and playing video games. Less and less people are attending independent film. People do attend blockbusters or large budget films with huge advertising budgets, but not independent film.

I spent the weekend down in DC visiting Chad and Rehan. It was Rehan's 36th birthday and Chad was visiting from Pakistan. He returns to Pakistan next week. He's there on a 2 year contract. He says it's crazy, but he feels safe in the "compound" in which he lives. I also visited with Ayo and her baby Quinn, while in DC. I accompanied them to the doctors. It was Quinn's 3 month check up. Cute baby. Before the birthday party, I hung out with Abdi, one of my Somali friends, at Ruby Tuesdays and sucked down 3 Long Island Ice Teas in two hours. Abdi stumbled out of the bar. I was fine. On the drive home the next day, I stopped at my brother Chris' and his partner, Donna's home north of Baltimore. He made a great dinner, just like Mom used to make. I make it home, late Sunday night. Next week, I leave to Cancun and then Cuba. Yah.